For some odd reason, people just love lawyer jokes. Most lawyers I've known personally are actually hard-working good people. Fortunately, they are good-natured and tolerant of the fact that we just have to have to make fun of them!
So here are a few clean and short lawyer jokes to lighten the mood a little:
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. "So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place." Replied the governor "Well, its OK with me if its OK with the undertaker."
The patent attorney turns away from his window, the invention in his hand, and exclaims to the inventor: "Death ray my ass! It hardly even slows them down!"
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ---- It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. ...Benjamin Franklin.
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies: "Four!". The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time." The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 of them."
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
What's the definition of a lawyer? A mouth - with a life support system.
Thankfully, they speak out for us when we really need them!
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